I want to understand why I am expected to forgive people who don’t want to be forgiven.

People who ripped me apart from the inside out and then told me to stop being a victim.

People who caused irreversible harm and then demanded silence, grace, and emotional maturity from the very person they wounded.

I am told to forget it because “everyone makes mistakes.”

But while they get to move on with their lives — careers intact, reputations untouched, consciences conveniently quiet — I am left living in constant heartbreak, rebuilding myself around damage I never deserved.

So I ask:

Why is the anger of the abused treated as less important than forgiving the abuser?

When Forgiveness Becomes a Weapon

Forgiveness is often framed as moral superiority — a sign of growth, strength, or spiritual enlightenment. But too often, it’s used as a tool of control.

It is easier for the world to demand forgiveness than to demand accountability. Easier to silence pain than to confront the systems and people that caused it. Easier to call someone “bitter” than to acknowledge they were deeply harmed.

When forgiveness is demanded without:

• accountability,
• acknowledgment,
• remorse,
• repair,
• or changed behavior,

it is not healing — it is erasure.

“Everyone Makes Mistakes” Is Not the Same as Abuse

Mistakes are accidental.

Abuse is patterned.

Neglect is repeated.

Betrayal is intentional.

When someone reduces trauma to a “mistake,” they minimize the impact and shift the burden onto the victim to be understanding, patient, and forgiving — while the person who caused the harm avoids responsibility entirely.

That is not compassion—That is convenience.

Why Anger Makes People Uncomfortable

The anger of the abused is not dangerous — it is truthful.

Anger says:

• This mattered.
• I mattered.
• What happened was wrong.

Anger threatens narratives that depend on silence. It exposes harm that people would rather keep buried. It forces accountability where comfort once lived. So instead of asking why the harm happened, society asks why the victim is still upset.

Forgiveness Is Not Owed

Forgiveness is not a debt survivors must pay to prove their worth. It is not a prerequisite for healing. It is not something anyone is entitled to — especially those who refuse to take responsibility. Sometimes the healthiest choice is not forgiveness, but:

• boundaries,
• distance,
• truth,
• and self-preservation.

Some people do not deserve access to you again. Some wounds deserve to be honored, not rushed. Some harm requires justice, not absolution.

Center the Pain — Not the Comfort of Others

The world needs to stop prioritizing the comfort of those who caused harm over the healing of those who survived it. We do not need to forgive to be whole. We need to be believed. We need accountability. We need space to grieve what was stolen from us.

Forgiveness may come — or it may not.

Either way, healing belongs to the person who was hurt. And no one who shattered you gets to dictate how you survive it.

Author: Alexis Landrum